after lurking around in my Old Home (which is what i guess audiotool is for me whether i like it or not), i decided to make an account and pop my head in to say hi (and apologies for the imminent wall of text)

i used to go by the names merchant/shojo acid (tho for obvious personal and mental reasons, i don't go by those names anymore, haven't went by it since i was 16, and i've taken all of the steps i could to distance myself from who i was when i called myself merchant/shojo acid.), and being a regular on here when i was younger was a educational experience, since it shaped who i am, even if most of the music i made under the merchant/shojo acid umbrella was utter fucking garbage.

it was also a stressful time for me (albeit partially self-inflicted). this was 2016-2022, mind you, a large chunk of my late child n teen years, and i was admittedly insufferable and stubborn as hell. i caused arguments that could've easily been avoided, and made some enemies in the process. esp in 2020-2022, i was just starting to figure myself out as a person (i came out as transfem in 2021, with mixed reactions from both the audiotool community and IRL)

however, most of the userbase was under the signs of a similar Cultural Weirdness late millenials and zoomers fell into (esp in 2016-2018), what wit the whole Trap Kid thing, questionably sexual n racist inside jokes and toxic atmosphere (someone i came out to dismissed it, saying that they thought i was going to tell them that i was a neonazi??? like wtf)

that's prolly not true now, but some of the shit ppl said to me and did around me still sticks in my mind to this day. however, this isn't to do the whole You All Are Terrible People Grrrrr!!!!! thing, i've met some really great people here that are still on the dome, and again, i've had some fond memories and fun times from my days as an audiotool regular.

i don't think of Merchant as the same person as current-day me. we shared the same body, but who i was at the time was fundamentally a different, unlikeable, grotesque person that severely needed help and a better at-home and IRL environment for a neurodivergent, baby queer teenager, but was denied this due to unknown forces beyond my control. looking around my Old Home, while nostalgic for me, gives me a reminder of how much i've grown as a person in the years since i unofficially left audiotool, and how much growth i need to accomplish now.

i don't want to reveal what i'm doing now or anything, but as a summary: i'm doing much better now, mentally, physically and emotionally. i've gotten a lot better at making music n visual art, i've had a lot of success with my current projects, and i've surrounded myself with very loving and caring ppl.

i hope all of you are doing well, and i'm sorry if i got a bit too sentimental here lol, but yeah! :)