i never really went into detail about why i made this- lets be honest, rather obscure- album of mine. i never wanted to publically advertise it (like i usually do with most of my discography) because it is a very personal work.

this album is meant to artistically express the deep depression near the end of my high-school years. here is my personal interpretation of this album:

planting seeds - this track for me is something that represents the early signs of my lapse. i chose to ignore the signs, and denied them. this track is dark and haunting, and i feel it sets up the theme behind the rest of the album. the darkness is there, but it doesn’t seem to return until later, when it forces you to look at it.

slow burn – this track is what I feel was the “bliss period” of everything, but something I enjoy about this track is that there is not a climax. the track plays out, repeating its progression and very slowly building. it’s anticipating something grand, but it just “gives up” near the end. this is something i really appreciate about this track. it (for me) encapsulates the slow decline of my mental health over the course of 2 years

waiting in your living room – from this point and onward, “you” is the entity that represents the state i was in. this track is a false sense of happiness. it’s and empty and shallow feeling. the track is very abstract near the beginning. the last section for me is defining a vague example of how i should feel.

thinking of you again – at this point in time was really when i began to truly feel the effects of my depression, hence why the track is very fluid and melancholy. i was starting to finally acknowledge these feelings, but not in a healthy way, which is why the track never resolves.

living with my bruises – this track starts of with a piano sample that captured me in a way that ripped out this painful nostalgia. originally, this piano sample was slower and more drowned in reverb. i originally wanted this track to capture the dreaminess of the memories that the sample evoked out of me. i then changed the sample to be a little more lucid. this track was me telling myself that i may never feel as happy as i was, which was a complete lie. it was so i could numb myself and come to a false sense of conclusion. meanwhile, something dark was brewing. this deep hatred for everything. this anger at the world for never letting me be satisfied. a deep resentment of my own self.

pretend we’re okay – this was the breaking point. what I’m saying here is no joke. i almost killed myself in front of my family. this is the only track of the album where i give a vocal performance. a broken, tone-deaf humming duplicates the melody. i was so lost in my own delusion. everything i had made true in my mind was a lie. this is why i never actually did it. In a flash i remembered why my life was worth living.

reprise, the living room – this track closes the album. for me, this is the long recovery after the incident. i am back with the entity called “you”, taking time to reflect on what had transpired over that year. this track takes the theme from “waiting in your living room” and breaks it down to make it something else. at this point i had finally told people around me how i was suffering. the track never has a conclusion, instead the main theme just fades out. i chose to do this to represent that recovery is a long and difficult process. you need to take time to heal. you cannot ignore your own feelings. it’s so important that you reach out. it is so easy to want to keep yourself in that dark place, because at that point it is almost comforting. it’s Stockholm Syndrome on yourself. it’s a trick your own mind plays on you. so don’t ignore it.

and that concludes the interpretation. it is not my favorite personal work, but it was incredibly therapeutic to finally have something express how i was feeling without words. you are free to have your own thoughts/interpretations of this, of course. but, i wanted to put some context behind this album. without it, i feel that it is incoherent.

thank you for listening 😊