it's a sunday morning and i was looking through old drafts and i found this one. it was called "whatevermind" and i remember the name but i don't remember the song at all. i probably wasn't in a memorable state of mind when i made this.
it brings tears to my eyes, thinking about my old freshman self and how, even though i felt stressed out back then, there was so much i didn't care about when going straight into high school. It was such a good feeling, to not care. I was kind of reckless. There wasn't much to worry about and i'd just do my thing kinda and i wasn't already all the way down what seems like a spiral of my mental state now as a result of all my recklessness. Nowadays, even though i enjoy times with my friends and life is very okay, there's such a weird, somewhat confused, and sad thing going on my head all the time, thinking about my weird life and all it's complications. I really can't even describe it but listening to this song really made me feel a very very specific way.
When i made this track and named it "whatevermind" it was because i was always really hyped up and romantic problems/social anxiety did not detriment my overall mood at all. There was a lot going on around this time and my mind was surrounded by all these crazy concepts, but i always just looked at it and said "whatever". Not caring too much really helped. I was also more of an optimist. But now, all i do is overthink because i'm so self-aware of everything and it's hard for me to get what i want because of that, i think. And listening to this track just reminds me of that exact feeling i used to have when i first made this track as a freshman: bliss in simple carelessness.
Now, i wish i could go back to that time, where i didn't have something i really wanted to go back to, and change some things. But maybe this is a wake-up call. This is just what growing up is about. Thinking about things and taking control of them. Life only gets more and more complicated as it goes on.
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